My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
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Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
(by @ZachWeiner )
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.