My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
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I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Okey dokey.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
At an art museum and I thought this was art
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.