Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
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Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
some Old Testament wisdom
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Someone just threatened to call me later