If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits