[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
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Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
and this one
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
classic mixup
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows