[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
You Might Also Like
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
My inexpensive home security system…