Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
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stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”