Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
You Might Also Like
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Saturday
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”