me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
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You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
the Monday after daylight savings
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/