me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
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[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
The cake is mightier than the sword.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die