If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
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There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.