Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
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playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
that’s really how it is
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*