*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
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Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.