My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
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Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
You have been warned.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
same energy
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.