SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
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Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Europe. Made in Germany.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”