don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
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Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Strange
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.