Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
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[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.