Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
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My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Pickled cat.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
won’t smith
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Deer are just ballerina dogs
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.