[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
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[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.