“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
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Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
when there are deer in the woods
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Your honor these allegations are
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
twitter is a journey
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts