I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
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Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Literally! 🤣 #dogs