Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
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Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN