I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
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I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win