ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
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4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was