Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
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lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer