It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
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Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
no their not
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
BaD BoY!!
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling