“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
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*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Oh thanks BBC.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.