My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
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Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
God making man in his image was the original selfie
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking