* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
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“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
A friend helps you before you need it
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people