[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
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Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Breaking news:
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Perfect
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”