One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
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In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T