people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
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Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense