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Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?