It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
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You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Ha
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
This is me
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what