“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
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80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.