So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
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*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
In banana years, I am bread.