I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
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Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
inventing words: clothing
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull