if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
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Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation