This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
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Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Guy who likes music
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you