“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
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Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
This probably isn’t good
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
So inspired right now.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks