I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
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how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Warm pools make me nervous.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*