Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
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whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
emergency phone
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.