one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
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God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit