showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
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My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.