You Might Also Like
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
the answer was staring at me all along
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!