I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
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I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.