I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
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Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant