When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
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Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
happy mother’s day❤️
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
5 ways to appear taller