Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
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Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents