It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
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According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Teach your children to beatbox
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
[eats all your cotton candy]
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.